tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
