Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
