seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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