dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
