I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
