im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
