I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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