Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
