theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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