just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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