If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
