This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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