Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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