Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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