so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
