why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
