he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
