God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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