Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
