I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
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