I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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