Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just tell him i said nine months
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
did i just pee glitter
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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