I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
