Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
