I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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