I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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