Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
