So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
