Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
