well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i drank out of a bidet.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
