things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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