I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
