I am in a vortex of obligation.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
