I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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