Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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