Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
