yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
