There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
