My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
