She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
