I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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