In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
