Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
