If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
