What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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