your parents love me but you hate me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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