i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
