his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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