First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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