Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
