apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
